Blah of the Week

Marry him or be eaten by your cat! Janep

Another week another book that tells us that unless we get married we'll be alone apart from excess chin hair and smelly cats. They seem to pop up at the rate of about one a year - these don't be so fussy books - despite every single mental health study from the beginning of time rating single women as happier and healthier than married ones.

First we had The Rules which told us valuable husband choosing lessons like Never Accept A Date For Saturday After Wednesday, and Don't Put Out Until He's Spent Loads Of Money from two loud women one of whom is now divorced. It would take a heart of stone not to snigger.

Then came If I'm So Wonderful Why Am I Single? Followed rapidly by the latest tome of spinster doom: Marry Him Or Be Eaten by Your Cat. Well that's not exactly the title but Lori Gottlieb's new book Marry Him! The Case For Mr Good Enough preaches that very message.

Apparently if you?re a woman in say, your late thirties and unmarried you should be musing over whether you might have settled for that bloke with a ponytail who never stopped talking about himself and expected you to remember his mother's birthday, or Barry who asked you to stop moving about during sex because it 'put him off his stroke' or that nice man who was so dull you've forgotten his name. You fussy bitch!

Here's the really creepy thing. Lori Gottlieb is keen to hammer home the point that it's not about being happy - but being socially acceptable. Ms Gottlieb is a single mother at 40. Nothing wrong with that but she seems to have a curiously Victorian view of herself: 'After all, wouldn't it have been wiser to settle for a higher calibre of "not Mr. Right" while my marital value was at its peak.' 'Marital value? Has she just stepped out of a Jane Austen novel?

But what really pisses me off is that you never get the equivalent books for men. It's men who do better out of marriage, emotionally, so why aren't we reading more books with titles like: Nobody Else Will Put up With Your Farts And Stupid Jokes and Guess What Baldy ? You're Not George Clooney.

Breastfeeding. Again! Bally

So it has been announced this week that

1. Breastfed children are more intelligent - I'm confused here as the scientists who did this study are from a generation where formula milk was the norm.

2. Breast feeding doesn't make your boobs droppy, getting pregnant does. So should we all stop having children?

Blonde Mrs Baylock janep

Remember Mrs Baylock from The Omen? Sent from Satan, she marches about, accompanied by evil choral music. However, when she first spots Damien the Anti-Christ, she smiles and says 'Have no fear little one. I will take care of thee'. Claire Verity, the blonde Mrs Baylock, doesn't bother with even this demonic nicety. Damien would have been immediately trussed up and plonked outside in his pram, leaving foxes to hover around the pram, menacingly.

The Bringing up Baby team must have been thrilled when Claire Verity agreed to take part. A new TV villain! Blonde and bossy! Advocating an out of date regime! Everyone will hate her and write to complain! (I'll bet they first approached She Who Must Not Be Named because all parenting programmes need an extremist to counteract the Reasonable One and the One Who Makes Roll Your Eyes and say:"Yeah but what if you don't live in the Amazonian sodding jungle and what about my bad back?")

Yes, Claire Verity's methods are horrible and why she imagines that boasting of self-obsessed bonkers celebrities using her £1000 a day methods, makes her sound more competent is beyond me, but Channel 4 knew exactly what they were doing in creating a new parenting villain. After three months of Doctor Spock, Amazonian Attatchment or Truby King, all three gurus will undoubtedly insist that their theory has been proven. Letters of complaint will be written. Some parents will be left with TV repair bills after throwing boots at the screen, and no conclusions will be drawn. Bringing up Baby is not a social experiment, it's a catfight.

Sorry - Got to Say It . . . . . janep

I've just put on a warm vest. And am toying with putting on the heating. It's cold, wet and the sky is clinical-depression-grey. It's AUGUST. This is truly the nadir of weather bollocks

And yes, I'm sure all those scrambling to get away from Hurricane Dean would disagree with me

Still. Tch!

The Devil's Drink!! janep

Listen you bad formula feeding harridans! Put down your copy of OK, with its pictures of the anti-mother Jordan giving her baby Princess Tippytoes Tsunamii - the Devil's Drink. Yes she's bottle feeding her! Strike through in black pen her heretical statement, "I don't care what people say, you don't have to breastfeed". (If Jordan had said: "I often swing my newborn baby round my head" she'd have got less stick).

Because its evil subliminal advertising like that, along with all formula feeding mothers being lazy, selfish, and with terrorist sympathies (probably), that makes you decide not to breastfeed. Don't forget that from the moment you become pregnant, your brain dribbles out through your ears and you are incapable of making an adult decision about drinking, smoking, coffee, or suddenly deciding not to breastfeed after seeing a cunningly placed tin of formula in the supermarket.

God Bothered. janep

Question. Have the recent torrential floods been caused by:

a) Cooler sea temperatures in the Pacific Ocean and low pressure in the Atlantic?

b) God's anger at our moral degredation?

Duh! A senior Church of England Bishop has declared the floods that have left several people dead and thousands homeless were God's special way of letting us know He's not happy with pro-gay laws.

Leaving aside the issue of a senior church official preaching blatant homophobia, if we are to take bad weather as a barometer of the Almighty's moods, He can't be too bothered by paedophile priests. In early May when Church of England priest David Smith was found guilty of abusing boys over 30 years and that concerns about him had been raised twice and roundly ignored by the Church of England - the weather that week was really nice and sunny.

PND! La Leche! Bollocks! Exhausted Alice

Rant 1 - PND

What is all this bollocks about PND in any case? ~Pretty much any woman with a new baby causing sleeplessness who answers the Edinburgh Post natal score truthfully would be defined as depressed, especially with all the "advice" out there about how to do it properly! It is a load of pseudo medical codswallop, invented by the male dominated medical profession. Of course I'm f***ing depressed - I have 2 small children and a small baby who won't let me sleep. If I got more sleep I wouldn't be "depressed". Do you have a pill for that? No, I didn't think so, so keep all these medical judgements to yourself and don't label me with PND for being an ordinary woman who would kill (will soon killsomething) for more sleep.

No2 Rant: La Leche League

So I am not supposed to let my baby cry at all? I should pick him up, or better still never put him down, and feed him every time he murmurs and looks as if he could take some food? Bollocks! He makes the same noises whether he is hungry or windy or about to fill his nappy. If I feed him he just chucks it back all over my arm/trousers/floor. And anyway, I have 2 other children, who came first and will not allow me to neglect them, so baby has to make do with me when I can fit him in!! And don't quote "studies show" at me when studies are only ever done to satisfy the researcher's needs. And how does he get to learn to sleep longer than 45 mins if you pick him up and the first movement? - he will never settle himself back to sleep. No I can't "do it if I want to" - I have other children and a house to run. And we all get more sleep if he is in another room, and no, I am not depressed, nor a (particularly) bad mother, just a desperately tired one, so don't patronise me!!!

Post Natal Depression Soars janep

Today (April 30) is the beginning of National Midwifery Week and kicks off with a depressing report from the Royal College of Midwives saying that Post Natal Depression could be twice as high as previously thought. Approximately 10% of women are treated, but it now looks officially closer to 20%. Dame Karlene Davis the General Secretary of the RCM says the figure is probably much higher because "many women hide their symptoms and are too afraid to ask for help".

It's bollocks that so many women are suffering like this. Not helped by the persistent medical-speak of baby blues, a fluffy-wuffy twittering pastel phrase that doesn't begin to address the misery and shame of PND. While the causes of PND are a combination of medical and social factors, much of the way mothers are treated during those first crucial weeks doesn't help.

Holland which has the finest statistics for mother and baby health in the world has a national policy which guarantees a mother the same midwife throughout her pregnancy and for a year after. Up to 40% of births take place at home. No I'm not a home birth fetishist (both of mine were in hospital) but it says something about the confidence placed in midwives. Holland also has the lowest rates of PND in the world.

In the UK we have a massive shortage of midwives, the pay is terrible, and they're often treated like handmaidens to doctors. I had about 10 during my first birth, all rushing round like Roadrunner. They were also too busy and too brusque to help with my initial attempts to breastfeed. One impatiently jammed my son's head to my flinching nipple saying "Latch!?" over and over as if she were dealing with a faulty appliance.

What else can help if you're suffering? In the survey, the three biggest social factors in reducing PND were being in a good relationship, but also having a job, despite the exhaustion. Maybe it's something to do with keeping a foot in the outside world. I had terrible PND with my first baby and I know it was connected to a total loss of identity; something not discussed much in the pregnancy books. But thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, of the 500 women surveyed, 76% said that having someone to talk to who understood made the greatest difference. If you think you might have PND please don't think 'I shouldn't be feeling this' - get help. Talk to your doctor, talk to other BM's. You're not alone.

Don't Spend it all on Sweets janep

Don't spend it all on Sweets

The government has come up with a new initiative to get pregnant women to eat a better diet. Which is to wait until you're seven months pregnant, then give you £120 which you will be 'encouraged to spend on fruit and veg'. A bit like granny pressing 50p into your palm, before telling you to buy yourself a few carrots.

Of course, actually getting the dosh is tied into 'taking expert professional advice' which translates as a lecture by a midwife or GP before signing a solemn declaration not to spend the money on sweets. Furthermore, the cash will automatically vaporise if you walk into an off-licence or cake shop. (Probably).

Apart from the fact that by seven months, frankly, the damage is done, this payment acts as a timely distraction to the real problem of:

a) 30,000 women per year are still being illegally sacked in the UK for getting pregnant.

b) The pay gap between men and women working full time in the UK is 17%, the largest in Europe.

c) The pay gap between men and women working part time (hello - vast majority of part time workers are mothers) is now 38%.

It's all very well giving pregnant women a handout, but not if at the same time, you're diminishing their ability to pay for their baby once it's born.

Sienna's Carbon Emissions

Thanks so much Sienna Miller for caring enough to go on telly and radio, educating us carbon guzzling plebs on how we can reduce our carbon footprint by y'know not flying so much and caring about our world and stuff.

By the way, when you go back and forth to LA to make those movies that nobody can ever remember, how do you get there? Pony and trap?

Pregnant? Don't Have a Row - It'll Make Your Baby Thick say Boffins janep

It's every parent's worst nightmare.

A really thick kid.

So how do you avoid this catastrophe?

Easy. Just make sure you avoid having a row when you're pregnant.

Sorry?

Yes rowing when pregnant can cause your child to be Thick. Properly, low IQ my career choices are restricted to Pizza Delivery, Do-you-want-fries-with-that or Big Brother Contestant Thick. Scientists at the Ministry of Too-Much-Time-on-Their-Hands have said that "women who report high stress levels in the months before giving birth have babies who scored lower in mental development tests. And stress caused by rows are particularly harmful".

So what's the solution?

Easy. To avoid rowing you'll just have to cut yourself off from all potentially stressful contact. In days of yore, women would spend the last three months of their pregnancy in a darkened room with sweet herbs strewn on the floor and heavy curtains drawn to block out the evil humours, as well as any natural light. There they would sit singing psalms and doing needlework.

Best suited to:

15th century Tudor nobility

And the rest of us?

Er . . .

Bumper Christmas Bollocks! janep

It?s Christmas so here?s a double portion of bollocks!

I quote in full:

?Suicide link to low-weight babies?

?Children born underweight are likely to be prone to depression and commit suicide later in life, according to a new study. Stress suffered by the mother during pregnancy affects development of the foetus?s brain, making mental illness more likely.?

Great. So what do we do? Here?s an emergency guide:

? Eat loads of chips while pregnant

? And pies

? And ice cream

? And More chips

When the baby is born, and for the rest of his or her life make sure they stay away from:

? Sharp objects

? Water

? Ties and belts

? Pills

? Stress

? Railway lines

? Traffic

? People who might upset them

? Slippery pavements

Or you could recognise this study for what it is. Altogether now:

BOLLOCKS!

The Child Support Agency, long criticised for snooping, making unfair settlements and being not very good is to be the same organisation, but with a more butch name: The Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission.

KNOCK KNOCK!

USELESS PARENT: Hello?

VOICE: Hello, I?m from the Child Support Agency. According to our records you?ve only been paying £3.50 a month maintenance despite the fact you earn a lot of money.

USELESS PARENT: Ha! You can?t make me pay! (EVIL LAUGH)

VOICE: Actually we?re not the CSA any more. Well we are but we?ve got a brand new scary name: The Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission.

USELESS PARENT: Oh dear God! Why didn?t you say? Don?t hurt me ? I?ll make an immediate and full disclosure. I?ll write a cheque for 10 years back payment. It?s a Fair Cop! You caught me bang to rights etc etc.

Skinny Bitch: Fat Profits! janep

*Sigh*. Not another diet book.

Yes but this one is different! It's written by an ex-model (and we all know that models are famed for their intelligent, sensible approach to food) and someone with a degree in 'holistic nutrition'.

Hey! Holistic Nutrition. That must make her an expert!

Why - she could almost be a Doctor!

Anyway, the diet?

Basically if you want to be a skinny bitch you have to cut out dairy, meat, caffeine, alcohol, and sugar.

Everything that makes life worth living then?

Yep.

So what can you eat?

Pulses, tofu, vegetables, fruit er . .

Suppose I want a nice fried egg sandwich?

That's what so great about this diet! You make substitutes. So to make a faux fried egg sandwich you take a slice of tofu (ooh yummy!) add some soy butter, salt, pepper and ketchup and . . .

I think I'm going to puke

So who's the Skinny Bitch diet aimed at?

Victoria Beckham (spotted reading the book); Anybody who doesn't enjoy eating.

Big Fat Letters janep

Something has to be done about the apparent epidemic of fat children. So the government are going to do what they do best; write letters.

Dear Mrs Jones

We are writing this letter to inform you that your child is fat. This may not be apparent to you, probably because you are also fat. It is important that you are aware that being fat is unhealthy. Try cutting down on fatty food and make sure you eat those five portions of fruit and veg a day! You might also try walking a bit.

We hope this has been helpful. PS: Please ensure that your child does not come to school fat again.

What the government seem less keen to do is anything about the solid link between obesity and social class. According to Neera Sharma of Barnado's "poverty is the single biggest threat to the wellbeing of children in the UK". And like obesity, if a child is born into poverty, they're highly likely to remain poor throughout their life. Wonder how the government would deal with that little conundrum?

Dear Mrs Jones

We are writing this letter to inform you that your child is living in poverty. This may not be apparent to you, probably because you are also living in poverty. It is important that you are aware that being poor is unhealthy. Try getting a better job and earning a decent salary so you can afford to move out of the drug blighted hellhole where you currently reside.

We hope this has been helpful. PS: Please ensure that your child does not come to school poor again.

Number Bollocks Jane

The Royal College of Nurses are a bit pissed off. Why? They've been given a 2.5% pay rise. Which is being handed out in two stages over a year, which actually works out at 1.9%.

In real terms?

It's below inflation.

So what does a nurse actually end up with?

If the average wage of a trained nurse is £24,841, over the year, he or she will end up taking home £570 a year less.

Hang on ? isn't that a pay cut?!

Er . .yes.

Not to worry though. Management Consultants have the answer. They've advised nurses to smile at their patients more.

And what do Managment Consultants get paid?

A lot more than nurses

I hate that song!!! BarmyRockChick

Whats with that stupid song "I want to be a punk rocker with flowers in my hair" what a load of poo!! Seriously the silly tart should have done some research and then discovered that punk rockers would no more of worn flowers in their hair than they would take up morris dancing!!!! Don't know why it bugs me so much but it does!!
 
Jo

£20 to Stay Married!!!! janep

David Cameron has had an idea!

What is it?

To promote marriage and make the Tories, the party of traditional family values

Hang on - that sounds familiar.

That's because it is. It's John Major's Back to Basics freshly scrubbed

Eh?

You remember. Family Values etc etc. The Tories were so fond of families that most of them had at least two.

So what is David Cameron actually proposing?

Tax breaks of £20 to married couples.

Wow!

You see? That crisp £20 is bound to put an end to divorce!

Even though a divorced woman's income drops by 17% while a divorced man's income rises by 5% - so the fact that divorce makes most women a lot poorer they're still doing it?

Er yes. But £20 is £20.

So what does Gordon Brown say to this towering genius of an idea?

"I'm not in the business of moralising. What about widows? What about the woman whose husband has walked out? Does she get less preferential tax?"

In other words . . . . Bollocks.

Beware of the Eggs!

There was a great feature in The Guardian recently called The Hell of Bossy Britain. Everywhere you go, the journalist argues, there's a metaphorical bossy aunt with pursed cat's bum mouth, wagging her finger and telling you the bleedin' obvious. Stand Back When Train Approaches. (And there was me about to jump onto the track and wave). Stand Clear of the Doors, Eat Less Salt, Do Not Interfere with the Lift (??) The one I really hate is Simon Cowell's sneery voice reminding me to Mind the Gap at each tube stop. I've a secret theory that he couldn't give a toss if I fall down between the platform and the tube anyway.

It's now the turn of the Egg Information Service to fall foul of this nonsense. Being the 50th anniversary of the famous Tony Hancock ads, 'Go to Work on an Egg', they were planning to re-run it. But it's been banned because the advert doesn't clarify that while eggs are indeed wholesome (yah boo sucks Edwina Currie), they should really be served with fruit juice and toast to make a properly nutritious breakfast. I'd like to see them try and work that mouthful into a snappy advertising slogan.

And yet the makers of those crappy breakfast cereals can ply their evil trade merely by ads where a slice of toast and a glass of juice is placed (and ignored) next to the disgusting bowl of chocolate sugar laden slop they're trying to sell.

Jemima says: Get Your Tits Out!

Jemima Khan has pledged her support for a new manifesto (manifesto???) designed to 'increase awareness of the importance of breastfeeding'. Gosh. "It gives protection against diseases that no formula can, and changes daily to meet your babies' needs. Sadly, many women, for a variety of reasons, feel reluctant to breastfeed, but I believe it should be the normal acceptable thing to do."

Here's the problem. We are all aware of the importance of breastfeeding. The importance of it is verily rammed down our throats from day one of pregnancy. Every week, a new survey announces that breastfed babies are smarter, better adjusted, taller, better looking, less likely to fail their exams blah blah blah. What's more -most expectant mothers really want to breastfeed. Awareness is not the problem. What none of these campaigns ever address is WHY there is such a yawning gap between the expectations and desire to breastfeed and the actual practical reality of it. I'll wager that it's bog all to do with embarrassment, but the sheer difficulty. Or the fact that most of us are hurridly shown how to breastfeed by an exhausted, overworked midwife.

But instead of doing something practical to address the fact that so many women stop breastfeeding, (free breastfeeding counsellors, better paid midwives, more time and help with our initial fumbling attempts) they hire a beautiful, rich woman to tell us that breastfeeding is very important, and wave loads of statistics about. Unless the fragrant Ms Khan is planning to nip round and show miserable sleepless non-heiress mothers how to breastfeed I wish she'd keep her platitudes to herself.

Bollocks of the week

Ever read something and thought 'What a load of bollocks'? Well don't just fume. Send your bollocks to me! Send me those pointless government initiatives, that dubious study which contradicts the dubious study of the previous day, surveys seemingly designed to make you feel bad, or anything containing the phrase 'studies have shown' or 'experts say'. Send all bollocks to jane@grilledtomato.com and together, we can create a Great Wall of Bollocks, visible from space!